These days I just don’t write as often.
These days I just don’t write as often. I lack the energy and the will. I am trying to devote more time being present in moment as a mom, wife, cancer survivor extraordinaire. In my down time I’m avoiding introspection, trying not to ponder meaning of things, its a bit difficult because I’m an existentialist at heart. But why beat a horse? My conscious has been aiming for distraction- in my down time its repetitive, mind numbing games on my iPad or fab series (HBO of course, where all good show are made) on TV. Joe and I’ve been catching up on the past seasons of Boardwalk Empire and Ray Donovan. We’ll watch one or two episodes a night. Its drama total immersion, stepping out of our own problems and those of others. Occasionally I even dream of the characters, their dilemmas, their dreams. Its a sweet reprieve from what generally haunts me at night.
When I finally sit down to it, I am distracted (both by own mind and the constant “mom, mom, mom”…), have too many things to say and fall silent instead. Today though I will put a bit out there. We’re at the beach. We’ve been here since the middle of last week. It is the first time I’ve been OOT since May and it was so very long overdue. The daily grind, which effects us all, has grown tedious for me, life measured out by the endless cycles of treatment and recovery. And though its hard not to ponder things a bit here- metaphors abound, life’s rich pageant, the glorious struggle for life plays out all around. It soothes my soul. For it is a gift to witness and a beautiful reminder of my own insignificance and of the interconnectedness of life and death. They go hand in hand after all, and its not a thing to be mourned, at least not for long, its just the way things are.
Its also given my body a chance to heal, to rejuvenate. When we left Charlotte I was still yet to have recovered from chemo, with a sinus infection and nursing a fractured rib (just happened doing nothing in particular but is the result of weakened bones in a heavily treated area). I had and have many areas (the new masses that keep popping up and growing like weeds) that are hurting bunches. Despite all that we’ve had fun, great family time. The boys have been silly and it is so fantastic for them to play together in pool without me having to entertain, rush off for a practice, engage in the homework battle or try and put dinner on the table. We’ve laughed, played taken walks on the beach, hunted for shells and catered to Luca’s new and very pressing demands of maintaining his hair no matter the circumstances. We even made a special trip out and over the bridge for gel. He dashes to the bathroom to fix a Mohawk or a do I’m calling the Ed Grimley every time his hair dries and just any old time the mood strikes, and it strikes often.
When we get back to town, back to reality, its time to hit the ground running survivor style. I get scanned Wed and then on Thursday start radiation on two to four seperate areas of my bod. The treatment is to help with pain and edema and I am ready for the help! But Friday eve will be a treat. We’ve got our annual GoJenGo tee shirt pick up party for our Komen race team. The Keogh’s (they live directly across the street from us, we’re at 3923 Oldfield Rd, 28226) will host again. Yay! And beverages and Mac’s bbq will be provided. Yum! Come join us, get your new shirt and have some fun!
Better scoot, the waves are calling. J