I havent blogged in forever. I’m stuck in a spiral of pain, narcotics, nausea and sleep. There have been some great moments (UGA Homecoming weekend, silly moments with the boys, holding hands with Joe) but for the most part its been a struggle. I spend the bulk of each day doing the bed to sofa shuffle, trying in vain to get comfortable. I’ve been radiated again (5 fields in 5 high dose days- high enough to cause tumors to blister and ooze after just the first treatment) and Tuesday I go in to start the chemo drug (weekly, no scheduled off weeks) I said I would not re-try.
My state of mind goes from bad to despair with occasional, positive breaks. I am trying very hard to focus on the good but it is becoming comically difficult. New tumors are popping up and causing pain before I have healed from previous radiation (think whack a mole), my disease is painfully spreading in areas that should be freaking off limits for breast cancer, the swelling I have been experiencing is now increasing by the day. My low abdomen no longer looks like my own, its odd, not really recognizing oneself in the mirror. My right thigh, which we know has disease (and was radiated last month) is now newly swollen down to my knee. It was not like this even two days ago. It now hurts to walk and bend my knee my past 45 degrees. I now walk like Fred Sanford, WTH? Not gonna lie, these lower body issues have me freaked out. Will it continue to progress? Will I be walking around on a painful elephant leg(s) soon? What will I wear when it turns warm again. I can still pass for normal in the cold weather, all my diseased parts hidden under clothes.
Each time I get my head around a new problem and think it cant get worse (aside from disease in a vital organ), it does. Its no longer funny. This chemo I don’t want better work some serious magic and soon.
All my complaining aside, please sign up for the Checkers 5k, uptown this Sat. The Checkers are an amazing organization and they give back to our community, their employees are actively involved in making Charlotte a better place, and they are just darn good people! Go to www.gocheckers.com to register (and get free tix to Sat night’s game too!). Hopefully we’ll see you there! Jen
